Cut off Disease from the Source

I have been living a very sedentary lifestyle for the past couple of months.  It's gotten to the point where I'm not able to focus for long amounts of time, and I have let promises and projects broken and unfinished.  I have figured out that I was depressed for a long time, and that I started listening and giving credence to that negative little voice in my head.  The voice always made me feel inept, and had me scared to really grab ahold of life.

I got angry and I treated a lot of people badly, after a while, because I would hold on to all of these negative emotions, not experience them, and then I would explode in fury or some other disgraceful way of acting.  I was irresponsible in my relationships.

But the root of all this negative thinking goes back to hell, middle school, maybe even earlier.  I used to ask all of these questions and I would get mad that no one could give me an answer for them.  Well, I am now getting used to the idea that the questions are pointing to something else, indirectly, that I should be focusing on, and propelling myself to finish.  I am the answer to all of my annoyances, and grievances.  If I want a solution to actually exist in reality I have to solve it, by my existence.  I once heard a quote "To exist, is to resist"  I feel that way, from time to time.  It is mostly in the shortcomings of our government.  I realize now though, that if I believe another world is possible, and if you do, you have to become a revolution amongst yourself before you can ever change your reality.  Make your own world, because God knows a system of trying to organize people like the way Governments do, isn't making a lot of people happy.  To exist and to thrive are separate ideas.  I think that everyone should stop barely existing and start happily thriving.  It'd be nice

This is a two-way road.  You have to be willing to bear the responsibilities of your actions, and to find love to heal wounds.  Words, are only a complete abstraction of what we are actually feeling.  No wonder my countrymen are committing suicide.  This is absolutely not an okay thing.  Why do people form so many images of fear and link all of the thoughts together at the same time?  People are training themselves for destruction, and it is a very hard cycle to break, especially if you feel alone.  These feelings have a way of telescoping irrational thoughts to the point of boredom on the brink of bastardization.  Movies, and commercials are presented in such a way that teaches everyone that "right now" is much better than "perhaps if I work for it".  And even if you have good intentions, if you are doing things impatiently, you will get no where because you are doing something to reach some highly esteemed wonder quality that comes from just pausing, and appreciating your breath.

I have been telling myself for years, that I'm only a small town girl from Indiana, I'll never amount to anything, no matter what people have told me growing up about being anything you want to be.  What I did, was to recklessly go after my dream without any pause for aligning myself with a plan, and working up at the right pace.  I moved and lived my dreams, but it was a broken reality, and I was running down the wrong path, at the wrong speed, taking wrong turns, backing up, crashing, and burning.  No wonder I feel "at 23, on the verge of combustication, woe is me" (incubus)
I've been living a lie and getting mad and taking it out on others, and myself.  I was actually recognizing I was doing this, and still beating myself up over it!

I feel that if I want peace and love and happiness and all of that, why am I beating myself up over these things?  Why do I extend criticism to other people who are suffering from similar fates as me?  Why do I let "hurtful" words or actions from others bring me down?  The simple answer is that, somewhere along the way, I started hating myself, even though it might have seemed I was being selfish.  The truth is, was that I was searching for love all along, and someone with enough power to save me.  A lot of religions try telling you that there has to be all of this stuff that happens for you to be saved, you need to believe that Jesus died for you, and stuff like that.  What I think the simple answer is, is that you need to save you from yourself, and really do things at the rate you want to do them, and with gusto.  Befriend your enemies, and love your demons because they show you how to love others, at the source.

Dragon Drawing

I filled out an application for Burning Man's Low-Income Ticket.

I've kind of organized my year around attending Burning Man so I really hope I get chosen to go.  I want to be Razi Dragon, in the flesh.  haha.

If I get a ticket, I'm going to invest in some awesome costume stuff.  I want to get MAC color cakes for bodypainting.  Anywhere, Anytime.  I also want to work on building my own Diablo Stix to juggle with.  I can install flaming torches on the ends of the main stick.  :-D  If I went to Burning Man I would try and get together a group of Valkyrie Virgins to meet on the Playa, anyone who is going for the first time and understands this point of view.

Fingers crossed.