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Saturday, June 30, 2012
Sunday, May 6, 2012
The Struggle
I have been living in Florida for a little over a month. I left Chicago because I felt like my problems were too much for the people around me, and I left Atlanta because I was allowing myself to be run on auto-pilot and was participating in attitudes and a way of life that is not the best for my own mental health.
I went to this free clinic---called the Civic Media Center, where there are graduate students from the University of Florida who offer free medical advice. I talked with a guy named Nate who listened to what I am going through, and who has diagnosed me with PTSD--Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Before, I had always been a bit depressed but my depression was manageable. Now, it is constantly stuck in this mode, and even with the happy times I feel chained to bad memories.
I need words of encouragement, I need help telling my story, and I need to find the strong and sassy person inside of me in order to get over everything. It's definitely a daily struggle and I'm having a hard time focusing.
I'm extremely hurt, and I do not want to lash out towards anyone. I'm confused by a lot of situations that have occurred and I'm trying desperately to get some perspective on all of this. I will start undergoing Prolonged Exposure Treatment for my PTSD, and it may take me a couple months to overcome. In a lot of ways, I feel weak.
The hugest source of strength for me right now is being able to look over at my soulmate, Phoenix, and see that I can rise from the ashes. If it weren't for this pillar in my life, I do not know how long I would have continued being lost. Being found, is hard work, and its even harder rising up from the depths of hell that I've encountered. I have hope, and love, and patience emanating from him. I understand that some people in my life were hurt by the ways he acted in front of them, or didn't understand. I have to say, before the eyes of God, and before the eyes of the World, that we truly are meant for each other. We met in a hopeless place, in the dilapidated city of vain and materialism, and we are helping to build each other up from the shadows that we created.
I have always had a huge personality so it's really no surprise to me that I have suffered a great amount of pain. The taller you stand, the greater the shadow. I refuse to lose my shadow, the great balance of light and dark that creates such highly dimensional paintings and also a highly dimensional life. I need help! I need self-discipline, I need to feel safe in my own skin, and I need people to constantly tell me to draw. I'm lost without you. I'm reaching towards anyone with a sympathetic ear and understanding hearts. Help me be the best I can be, I can't afford to mess this up, anymore.
I went to this free clinic---called the Civic Media Center, where there are graduate students from the University of Florida who offer free medical advice. I talked with a guy named Nate who listened to what I am going through, and who has diagnosed me with PTSD--Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Before, I had always been a bit depressed but my depression was manageable. Now, it is constantly stuck in this mode, and even with the happy times I feel chained to bad memories.
I need words of encouragement, I need help telling my story, and I need to find the strong and sassy person inside of me in order to get over everything. It's definitely a daily struggle and I'm having a hard time focusing.
I'm extremely hurt, and I do not want to lash out towards anyone. I'm confused by a lot of situations that have occurred and I'm trying desperately to get some perspective on all of this. I will start undergoing Prolonged Exposure Treatment for my PTSD, and it may take me a couple months to overcome. In a lot of ways, I feel weak.
The hugest source of strength for me right now is being able to look over at my soulmate, Phoenix, and see that I can rise from the ashes. If it weren't for this pillar in my life, I do not know how long I would have continued being lost. Being found, is hard work, and its even harder rising up from the depths of hell that I've encountered. I have hope, and love, and patience emanating from him. I understand that some people in my life were hurt by the ways he acted in front of them, or didn't understand. I have to say, before the eyes of God, and before the eyes of the World, that we truly are meant for each other. We met in a hopeless place, in the dilapidated city of vain and materialism, and we are helping to build each other up from the shadows that we created.
I have always had a huge personality so it's really no surprise to me that I have suffered a great amount of pain. The taller you stand, the greater the shadow. I refuse to lose my shadow, the great balance of light and dark that creates such highly dimensional paintings and also a highly dimensional life. I need help! I need self-discipline, I need to feel safe in my own skin, and I need people to constantly tell me to draw. I'm lost without you. I'm reaching towards anyone with a sympathetic ear and understanding hearts. Help me be the best I can be, I can't afford to mess this up, anymore.
Monday, March 12, 2012
Cut off Disease from the Source
I have been living a very sedentary lifestyle for the past couple of months. It's gotten to the point where I'm not able to focus for long amounts of time, and I have let promises and projects broken and unfinished. I have figured out that I was depressed for a long time, and that I started listening and giving credence to that negative little voice in my head. The voice always made me feel inept, and had me scared to really grab ahold of life.
I got angry and I treated a lot of people badly, after a while, because I would hold on to all of these negative emotions, not experience them, and then I would explode in fury or some other disgraceful way of acting. I was irresponsible in my relationships.
But the root of all this negative thinking goes back to hell, middle school, maybe even earlier. I used to ask all of these questions and I would get mad that no one could give me an answer for them. Well, I am now getting used to the idea that the questions are pointing to something else, indirectly, that I should be focusing on, and propelling myself to finish. I am the answer to all of my annoyances, and grievances. If I want a solution to actually exist in reality I have to solve it, by my existence. I once heard a quote "To exist, is to resist" I feel that way, from time to time. It is mostly in the shortcomings of our government. I realize now though, that if I believe another world is possible, and if you do, you have to become a revolution amongst yourself before you can ever change your reality. Make your own world, because God knows a system of trying to organize people like the way Governments do, isn't making a lot of people happy. To exist and to thrive are separate ideas. I think that everyone should stop barely existing and start happily thriving. It'd be nice
This is a two-way road. You have to be willing to bear the responsibilities of your actions, and to find love to heal wounds. Words, are only a complete abstraction of what we are actually feeling. No wonder my countrymen are committing suicide. This is absolutely not an okay thing. Why do people form so many images of fear and link all of the thoughts together at the same time? People are training themselves for destruction, and it is a very hard cycle to break, especially if you feel alone. These feelings have a way of telescoping irrational thoughts to the point of boredom on the brink of bastardization. Movies, and commercials are presented in such a way that teaches everyone that "right now" is much better than "perhaps if I work for it". And even if you have good intentions, if you are doing things impatiently, you will get no where because you are doing something to reach some highly esteemed wonder quality that comes from just pausing, and appreciating your breath.
I have been telling myself for years, that I'm only a small town girl from Indiana, I'll never amount to anything, no matter what people have told me growing up about being anything you want to be. What I did, was to recklessly go after my dream without any pause for aligning myself with a plan, and working up at the right pace. I moved and lived my dreams, but it was a broken reality, and I was running down the wrong path, at the wrong speed, taking wrong turns, backing up, crashing, and burning. No wonder I feel "at 23, on the verge of combustication, woe is me" (incubus)
I've been living a lie and getting mad and taking it out on others, and myself. I was actually recognizing I was doing this, and still beating myself up over it!
I feel that if I want peace and love and happiness and all of that, why am I beating myself up over these things? Why do I extend criticism to other people who are suffering from similar fates as me? Why do I let "hurtful" words or actions from others bring me down? The simple answer is that, somewhere along the way, I started hating myself, even though it might have seemed I was being selfish. The truth is, was that I was searching for love all along, and someone with enough power to save me. A lot of religions try telling you that there has to be all of this stuff that happens for you to be saved, you need to believe that Jesus died for you, and stuff like that. What I think the simple answer is, is that you need to save you from yourself, and really do things at the rate you want to do them, and with gusto. Befriend your enemies, and love your demons because they show you how to love others, at the source.
I got angry and I treated a lot of people badly, after a while, because I would hold on to all of these negative emotions, not experience them, and then I would explode in fury or some other disgraceful way of acting. I was irresponsible in my relationships.
But the root of all this negative thinking goes back to hell, middle school, maybe even earlier. I used to ask all of these questions and I would get mad that no one could give me an answer for them. Well, I am now getting used to the idea that the questions are pointing to something else, indirectly, that I should be focusing on, and propelling myself to finish. I am the answer to all of my annoyances, and grievances. If I want a solution to actually exist in reality I have to solve it, by my existence. I once heard a quote "To exist, is to resist" I feel that way, from time to time. It is mostly in the shortcomings of our government. I realize now though, that if I believe another world is possible, and if you do, you have to become a revolution amongst yourself before you can ever change your reality. Make your own world, because God knows a system of trying to organize people like the way Governments do, isn't making a lot of people happy. To exist and to thrive are separate ideas. I think that everyone should stop barely existing and start happily thriving. It'd be nice
This is a two-way road. You have to be willing to bear the responsibilities of your actions, and to find love to heal wounds. Words, are only a complete abstraction of what we are actually feeling. No wonder my countrymen are committing suicide. This is absolutely not an okay thing. Why do people form so many images of fear and link all of the thoughts together at the same time? People are training themselves for destruction, and it is a very hard cycle to break, especially if you feel alone. These feelings have a way of telescoping irrational thoughts to the point of boredom on the brink of bastardization. Movies, and commercials are presented in such a way that teaches everyone that "right now" is much better than "perhaps if I work for it". And even if you have good intentions, if you are doing things impatiently, you will get no where because you are doing something to reach some highly esteemed wonder quality that comes from just pausing, and appreciating your breath.
I have been telling myself for years, that I'm only a small town girl from Indiana, I'll never amount to anything, no matter what people have told me growing up about being anything you want to be. What I did, was to recklessly go after my dream without any pause for aligning myself with a plan, and working up at the right pace. I moved and lived my dreams, but it was a broken reality, and I was running down the wrong path, at the wrong speed, taking wrong turns, backing up, crashing, and burning. No wonder I feel "at 23, on the verge of combustication, woe is me" (incubus)
I've been living a lie and getting mad and taking it out on others, and myself. I was actually recognizing I was doing this, and still beating myself up over it!
I feel that if I want peace and love and happiness and all of that, why am I beating myself up over these things? Why do I extend criticism to other people who are suffering from similar fates as me? Why do I let "hurtful" words or actions from others bring me down? The simple answer is that, somewhere along the way, I started hating myself, even though it might have seemed I was being selfish. The truth is, was that I was searching for love all along, and someone with enough power to save me. A lot of religions try telling you that there has to be all of this stuff that happens for you to be saved, you need to believe that Jesus died for you, and stuff like that. What I think the simple answer is, is that you need to save you from yourself, and really do things at the rate you want to do them, and with gusto. Befriend your enemies, and love your demons because they show you how to love others, at the source.
Thursday, March 1, 2012
Dragon Drawing
I filled out an application for Burning Man's Low-Income Ticket.
I've kind of organized my year around attending Burning Man so I really hope I get chosen to go. I want to be Razi Dragon, in the flesh. haha.
If I get a ticket, I'm going to invest in some awesome costume stuff. I want to get MAC color cakes for bodypainting. Anywhere, Anytime. I also want to work on building my own Diablo Stix to juggle with. I can install flaming torches on the ends of the main stick. :-D If I went to Burning Man I would try and get together a group of Valkyrie Virgins to meet on the Playa, anyone who is going for the first time and understands this point of view.
Fingers crossed.
I've kind of organized my year around attending Burning Man so I really hope I get chosen to go. I want to be Razi Dragon, in the flesh. haha.
If I get a ticket, I'm going to invest in some awesome costume stuff. I want to get MAC color cakes for bodypainting. Anywhere, Anytime. I also want to work on building my own Diablo Stix to juggle with. I can install flaming torches on the ends of the main stick. :-D If I went to Burning Man I would try and get together a group of Valkyrie Virgins to meet on the Playa, anyone who is going for the first time and understands this point of view.
Fingers crossed.
Wednesday, January 18, 2012
Wednesday, December 28, 2011
The Courage to Do It
Strike 1
Not out of the game yet. I'm proud that I had the courage to try. This stings, this one really hurts, but if it weren't what I wanted the most I wouldn't keep trying now would I?
What is hard about this is coming to terms with, is that I feel like I have the power inside of me that is begging to surface for air, and it's choking at every turn of the pass. I know I will breathe again, but how soon can that come?
I was diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder about a month ago. Coming out of this dark and spiraling tunnel is like a new sensation on my eyeballs, causing me to squint, so I'm not blinded by the sun. It feels like there are wings trying to erupt out of my back but my skin and my bones are resisting. Speech is vicious sounding, with clear desperation for something better ringing stereophonically.
That voice inside of me, is telling me to draw, write, make some sort of noise, and light some fires. I want to plant some seeds that break up through the pavement. It's also screaming mellow out.
This song seems to help me a bit. I love Atmosphere
A couple days ago I went to the local martial arts academy. It was a free class, to see how I would do and if it felt right for me. Everyone was very respectful, even though I was a bit nervous. The instructor had me stand in front of the other instructor and told me to punch him, in his solar plexus and so I did! He looked at me after I kind of realized he meant to go through the motion of punching instead of actually punching him and he said "Well That shows Courage."
And that little comment, actually meant a whole lot to me. The rest of the training session went very well, and I found the place where my actions were meant to come from and how I can learn to use that point as a reference to my inner and outer balance. It was pretty cool. At times like these, when I struggle and I fall because I think I'm not good enough, and I start beating myself up over every thing that's gone wrong, I'm thankful for the moments of pause where I can reflect and turn my perspective around.
I've got a lot on my plate that I've not dealt with, and I've been ignoring up until now. I feel that I stand before a huge mountain and I have not yet decided if I should climb it this way or that, dig underneath it, pummel through it, or make some sort of ski lift so I can rollerblade down the other side. I have no clue. I'm still looking at the mountain and its surrounding before I continue. So I guess it's okay to take breaks every now and then but this is also the now or never part.
This is how I will come to define myself in the years to come. It's definitely like I've been in a long and dry desert before I came to this place and I'm needing to see the ocean beyond.
Promise tomorrow will be better.
Not out of the game yet. I'm proud that I had the courage to try. This stings, this one really hurts, but if it weren't what I wanted the most I wouldn't keep trying now would I?
What is hard about this is coming to terms with, is that I feel like I have the power inside of me that is begging to surface for air, and it's choking at every turn of the pass. I know I will breathe again, but how soon can that come?
I was diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder about a month ago. Coming out of this dark and spiraling tunnel is like a new sensation on my eyeballs, causing me to squint, so I'm not blinded by the sun. It feels like there are wings trying to erupt out of my back but my skin and my bones are resisting. Speech is vicious sounding, with clear desperation for something better ringing stereophonically.
That voice inside of me, is telling me to draw, write, make some sort of noise, and light some fires. I want to plant some seeds that break up through the pavement. It's also screaming mellow out.
This song seems to help me a bit. I love Atmosphere
A couple days ago I went to the local martial arts academy. It was a free class, to see how I would do and if it felt right for me. Everyone was very respectful, even though I was a bit nervous. The instructor had me stand in front of the other instructor and told me to punch him, in his solar plexus and so I did! He looked at me after I kind of realized he meant to go through the motion of punching instead of actually punching him and he said "Well That shows Courage."
And that little comment, actually meant a whole lot to me. The rest of the training session went very well, and I found the place where my actions were meant to come from and how I can learn to use that point as a reference to my inner and outer balance. It was pretty cool. At times like these, when I struggle and I fall because I think I'm not good enough, and I start beating myself up over every thing that's gone wrong, I'm thankful for the moments of pause where I can reflect and turn my perspective around.
I've got a lot on my plate that I've not dealt with, and I've been ignoring up until now. I feel that I stand before a huge mountain and I have not yet decided if I should climb it this way or that, dig underneath it, pummel through it, or make some sort of ski lift so I can rollerblade down the other side. I have no clue. I'm still looking at the mountain and its surrounding before I continue. So I guess it's okay to take breaks every now and then but this is also the now or never part.
This is how I will come to define myself in the years to come. It's definitely like I've been in a long and dry desert before I came to this place and I'm needing to see the ocean beyond.
Promise tomorrow will be better.
Tuesday, December 13, 2011
Still Searching...
Back in Chicagoland after retreating from the schitzy scenes going on in glittering Las Vegas. Vegas proved to be a desert of debauchery, and hustle-lucinations. I tried to find my peace, but I lost my will along the way. One friend told me that there are more hopeless dreams flying around in Vegas than flashing lights. He's probably right, and he knows a thing or two about magic- He worked backstage of Penn & Teller.
I was used and abused and spit out. A local film "producer" eeked inside my brain, and exploited me and my talents. Blood on the bedsheets. I was severely underpaid, and under-appreciated. I was thrown out onto the streets. I was attacked by a Las Vegas Judge, and have video evidence to prove it. There's a *fire* in this Candel, but I'm not so sure it's a passionate one.
Good things happened in Vegas, too. I met a Vampire Killr, who is really a hacker knight prince... but is playing out a bad deal from a perilous past. It's not the end of the game yet. @;)
The most valuable aspect of living in the most materialistic and fake places in the world (City of Sin, Babylonia?) is my ability to get under your skin. Yah, I said it.
I like to poke people, I like to prod people. Even though I don't have a dick, I can be a prick, and I stand up for what I believe in. I'm the VooDoo child sub Death Rosa,
and I want to tattoo.
I've got stories for days, an ear for years, and the talent to kick it to the next level.
This is the story of a small town girl, whose gone through hell, and back again. Picking up where I left off and making good on the promises I've made.
Dragon out. Till next time
xxxoooxxxoooxxx
I was used and abused and spit out. A local film "producer" eeked inside my brain, and exploited me and my talents. Blood on the bedsheets. I was severely underpaid, and under-appreciated. I was thrown out onto the streets. I was attacked by a Las Vegas Judge, and have video evidence to prove it. There's a *fire* in this Candel, but I'm not so sure it's a passionate one.
Good things happened in Vegas, too. I met a Vampire Killr, who is really a hacker knight prince... but is playing out a bad deal from a perilous past. It's not the end of the game yet. @;)
The most valuable aspect of living in the most materialistic and fake places in the world (City of Sin, Babylonia?) is my ability to get under your skin. Yah, I said it.
I like to poke people, I like to prod people. Even though I don't have a dick, I can be a prick, and I stand up for what I believe in. I'm the VooDoo child sub Death Rosa,
and I want to tattoo.
I've got stories for days, an ear for years, and the talent to kick it to the next level.
This is the story of a small town girl, whose gone through hell, and back again. Picking up where I left off and making good on the promises I've made.
Dragon out. Till next time
xxxoooxxxoooxxx
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