The Struggle

I have been living in Florida for a little over a month.  I left Chicago because I felt like my problems were too much for the people around me, and I left Atlanta because I was allowing myself to be run on auto-pilot and was participating in attitudes and a way of life that is not the best for my own mental health.

I went to this free clinic---called the Civic Media Center, where there are graduate students from the University of Florida who offer free medical advice.  I talked with a guy named Nate who listened to what I am going through, and who has diagnosed me with PTSD--Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.  Before, I had always been a bit depressed but my depression was manageable.  Now, it is constantly stuck in this mode, and even with the happy times I feel chained to bad memories.

I need words of encouragement, I need help telling my story, and I need to find the strong and sassy person inside of me in order to get over everything.  It's definitely a daily struggle and I'm having a hard time focusing.

I'm extremely hurt, and I do not want to lash out towards anyone.  I'm confused by a lot of situations that have occurred and I'm trying desperately to get some perspective on all of this.  I will start undergoing Prolonged Exposure Treatment for my PTSD, and it may take me a couple months to overcome.  In a lot of ways, I feel weak.

The hugest source of strength for me right now is being able to look over at my soulmate, Phoenix, and see that I can rise from the ashes.  If it weren't for this pillar in my life, I do not know how long I would have continued being lost.  Being found, is hard work, and its even harder rising up from the depths of hell that I've encountered.  I have hope, and love, and patience emanating from him.  I understand that some people in my life were hurt by the ways he acted in front of them, or didn't understand.  I have to say, before the eyes of God, and before the eyes of the World, that we truly are meant for each other.  We met in a hopeless place, in the dilapidated city of vain and materialism, and we are helping to build each other up from the shadows that we created.

I have always had a huge personality so it's really no surprise to me that I have suffered a great amount of pain.  The taller you stand, the greater the shadow.  I refuse to lose my shadow, the great balance of light and dark that creates such highly dimensional paintings and also a highly dimensional life.  I need help! I need self-discipline, I need to feel safe in my own skin, and I need people to constantly tell me to draw.  I'm lost without you.  I'm reaching towards anyone with a sympathetic ear and understanding hearts.  Help me be the best I can be, I can't afford to mess this up, anymore.