The Courage to Do It

Strike 1

Not out of the game yet.  I'm proud that I had the courage to try.  This stings, this one really hurts, but if it weren't what I wanted the most I wouldn't keep trying now would I?

What is hard about this is coming to terms with, is that I feel like I have the power inside of me that is begging to surface for air, and it's choking at every turn of the pass.  I know I will breathe again, but how soon can that come?

I was diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder about a month ago.  Coming out of this dark and spiraling tunnel is like a new sensation on my eyeballs, causing me to squint, so I'm not blinded by the sun.  It feels like there are wings trying to erupt out of my back but my skin and my bones are resisting.  Speech is vicious sounding, with clear desperation for something better ringing stereophonically.

That voice inside of me, is telling me to draw, write, make some sort of noise, and light some fires.  I want to plant some seeds that break up through the pavement.  It's also screaming mellow out.

This song seems to help me a bit.  I love Atmosphere

A couple days ago I went to the local martial arts academy.  It was a free class, to see how I would do and if it felt right for me.  Everyone was very respectful, even though I was a bit nervous.  The instructor had me stand in front of the other instructor and told me to punch him, in his solar plexus and so I did!  He looked at me after I kind of realized he meant to go through the motion of punching instead of actually punching him and he said "Well That shows Courage."

And that little comment, actually meant a whole lot to me.  The rest of the training session went very well, and I found the place where my actions were meant to come from and how I can learn to use that point as a reference to my inner and outer balance.  It was pretty cool.  At times like these, when I struggle and I fall because I think I'm not good enough, and I start beating myself up over every thing that's gone wrong, I'm thankful for the moments of pause where I can reflect and turn my perspective around.

I've got a lot on my plate that I've not dealt with, and I've been ignoring up until now.  I feel that I stand before a huge mountain and I have not yet decided if I should climb it this way or that, dig underneath it, pummel through it, or make some sort of ski lift so I can rollerblade down the other side.  I have no clue.  I'm still looking at the mountain and its surrounding before I continue.  So I guess it's okay to take breaks every now and then but this is also the now or never part.
This is how I will come to define myself in the years to come.  It's definitely like I've been in a long and dry desert before I came to this place and I'm needing to see the ocean beyond.

Promise tomorrow will be better.